Friday, May 29, 2009

it's free if you just paying shipping and handling

I’m living in the world of juicers, slicers, dicers, steaming mops, and Sham Wow! Vince Whatever-his-name and Billy Mayes are everywhere, pitching like crazy, and offering all kinds of free stuff; just pay the shipping. Was George Foreman famous before he knocked out all those grills? Just set it and forget it. I am stuck in infomercial hell!! And, what did I do to deserve this? I drank two, count ‘em two, Mountain Dews.


Mountain Dew is a weakness for me. For some reason, the drink that “tickled my innards” when I was a kid is the now thing, the taste that satisfies (maybe that’s another drink).

My clock, the one that shoots the time on the ceiling, says it’s 1:40. I wish it would just shut up and say something like about 10:30, but it never lies. Next time, I won’t drink a “Dew”. Ya sure.

The combination of sugar and caffeine sings to me the siren song of fun and being WIDE AWAKE . And, if I stay awake just a little longer, the Video Professor is going to help me sell things on Ebay, but only after I make some salsa in the Bullet.

I can’t believe the energy these people have, pitching their hearts out with stories of redemption, weight loss and changed lives, new fortunes and better eating. Late night TV makes me hopeful with all of these success stories. And just think, with those little Extenze tablets, I might just become a better man…at least that’s what those attractive ladies in low cut, clingy dresses are telling me, and who wouldn’t want to please them?

Just an update. It's 3:12 now.


  1. Whip me up some chocolate souffle/mousse thingy in the Bullet while you're at it.

  2. Hahaha!! You crack me up!!!

    I can't stand infomercials. There's one infomercial lady in particular who really gets on my nerves. She makes food in some waffle-type sandwich maker thingy.